Blogging While Paused

where video game characters speak out

Posted by Luigi On January - 19 - 2008 Comments Off

Hey, Mario! You’ll never guess what happened while you were out at the market this morning! Or were you jogging? Ah, I can’t remember. Anyway, while you were gone, a letter arrived from the Princess that said she’d been kidnapped by Bowser!

Well, since you weren’t around, I figured it was up to me to face Bowser at his castle and bring the Princess home safely. You should’ve seen the fight we had! There were fireballs and hammers flying every which way! Well, after some time, I came up with this brilliant plan. See, we were fighting on a bridge over a pool of lava, and I noticed next to the ropes supporting it, there was a fine looking axe. It was just sittin’ there, totally unguarded! So, watching Bowser’s movements carefully, I managed to distract him, then jump over him, grab the axe, and cut that rope! The bridge came down, and Bowser fell into the lava (which I’m sure was actually intended for me…).  He didn’t look particularly uncomfortable in there, but he couldn’t climb back out, so he was giving me a pretty chilling glare.

Well, normally this is the part of the story where the hero rescues the fair damsel and escorts her home in triumph, right? Well, I’ve come across a bit of a snag in things… See, I’m here with the Princess right now, but since the bridge is kind of out of service, we can’t get out. There’s no back door, or else I would have come in that way. Tunneling is out of the question (trust me—that’s why we don’t have the axe anymore). And even if we found a way back across the lava, not only is Bowser just waiting for his opportunity, but there’s a multitude of difficult jumps we’d both need to accomplish.

The Lakitu I’m talking to says he’ll have this message delivered in 6 to 8 weeks. (I hope he’s joking.) He recommended we survive by eating sawdust and chewing leather, neither of which we have access to. Who eats things like that anyway? I tried to upgrade delivery to the priority service, but he wanted 80 coins for that. Now I admit I snagged a few on the way over here, but avoiding a fiery fate at the hands of Bowser’s minions takes a few bribes, you know what I mean? Peach says she couldn’t manage to grab her purse before Bowser captured her, so she’s broke. I tried saying her crown would be worth at least 80, but he wouldn’t buy it. And, of course, he couldn’t ferry us out on his cloud, ‘cause that would only rank 8.5 out of 10 on his “Safety Scale”, which comes out to being only “Extremely Safe” and not “Perfectly Safe”. (Hey, you don’t think he’ll actually read the message that complains so much about him, do you?)

If you have any time or ideas, I’d really appreciate a quick visit from you right about now. I’ve got a single Gameboy Advance on me, so hopefully that’ll keep both of us well enough entertained for a while. (Please hurry—I think Peach likes to cheat in hot-seat mode.) I’m fairly sure I disabled most of the cannons when I came through, so your trip should be reasonably safe. Oh yeah, and don’t forget about Bowser on your way here. He might still be kinda mad.

By the way, has this kind of thing ever happened to you? Hope to see you sooner rather than later…


Categories: Chronicles

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