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where video game characters speak out

Archive for February, 2008

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Cranky Cubed

Posted by CrankyKong On February - 26 - 2008 Comments Off

It’s that time once again. Cranky Kong here, bringing you the greatest of the latest with the top five Gamecube games in circulation. The Gamecube is beginning to bear some semblance of me: it’s getting old, it’s getting tired, and Nintendo thinks it’s time for it to retire. Not being quite as energetic as me, the ol’ system has decided to step down, meaning no new games are being produced for it. However, with the list officially complete, that means I get to make your judgment for you and pick the five most meaningful meaningless games it has! Where I thought the Nintendo 64 was bad, the Gamecube got even worse. Instead of giving up and going back to the reliable methods of the previous age, the programmers followed through on their endeavors and smoothed out their danged 3D workmanship. Characters could now have five fingers on each hand. In  [ Read More ]

Categories: Opinion
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I like to golf…

Posted by Bowser On February - 23 - 2008 Comments Off

I don’t know what they have been putting in the air these days, but it sounds like somethings going around about Mario and I going golfing on the weekends. Apparently there is a big hubbub over this or something. I don’t know much about what the whole argument is, but I just thought I would chip in and say a few words on behalf of golfing, mainly because I like to golf. I like to golf. Golfing is a good sport. You get to enjoy nature for what nature is, see the clouds, the trees, the birdies. You get to walk for several miles and shoot the breeze with your comrades. It is a great way to relax and have fun. If you’ve never tried it, I would suggest that you go out and give it a shot sometime. (Pun intended.) Or, if you don’t have a nice sunny day  [ Read More ]

Categories: Opinion
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RE: Ness, the reason you fail…

Posted by Link On February - 22 - 2008 Comments Off

That is so typical Mario. You are so pretentious. You think you are this great big huge amazing guy. Just because you’ve been around so long, you think your all that. Well, your not. Well, at least, I don’t think you are. First off, if you had any clue as to how to treat your enemies you wouldn’t have to worry about them kidnapping the princess every 37 minutes. When fighting your enemies: Use a weapon! Bouncing on their head is not going to stop them. Trust me, you need a sword, or a boomerang, or a bomb, or a slingshot, or for pete’s sake man, even a net would do. Yeah, yeah, I know, you finally got up the courage to pick up a squirt gun. I’m sure that scared off all the 2nd graders that had kidnapped the princess. Stop playing golf with the person who is responsible  [ Read More ]

Categories: Opinion
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Evil old Cranky left out the Metroid game!

Posted by Samus On February - 20 - 2008 Comments Off

Excuse me Cranky, but have you even picked up a Metroid game? I don’t think you have. I think you have an issue with the female video game characters. I think that is what your problem is.  ”But the themes are very, very dark, not like sunny old Super Mario.” Dark, you accuse me of having a “dark” theme? Excuse me, the entire HUMAN RACE IS BEING DESTROYED BY ENERGY SUCKING ALIENS!!!! That’ll make a great cheerful story. Yeah, “sunny old Super Mario,” unlike Mr. Mario, I’m not in the habit of spending my weekend golfing with beast who keeps steeling the princess. I don’t have a trust complex. I know who my enemies are and I kill them. But what really irks me is this whole “dark” theme. What’s so dark about Super Metroid? You think “A Link to the Past” wasn’t dark? I thought the whole “Dark World”  [ Read More ]

Categories: Opinion
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SNES top 5(-ish)

Posted by CrankyKong On February - 19 - 2008 Comments Off

So you thought I was kidding, did you? Well, take heart, because ol’ Cranky’s back with his comments and criticisms (but mostly criticisms) on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System and the best five games that new-since-’91 thing has to offer. I certainly didn’t like the SNES when it came out, believing that they were going completely radical with their fancy new graphics and such. Of course I was right; look at what that started. In retrospect, though, it’s definitely easier to enjoy than those new three dimensional puzzles they call games, because most of what’s there is pretty similar to what came before it. But didn’t it seem like a rip-off to you when they tried selling old games with new graphics? What could be more useless? (For more ranting, visit me in the original Donkey Kong Country game. And don’t press “B”.) The Super Nintendo was an era of  [ Read More ]

Categories: Opinion
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Results are in!

Posted by Lakitu On February - 18 - 2008 Comments Off

The Star Cup Tournament has just been finished for the 150cc category. I am very excited about these results! There were some close races and some last second comebacks which made for a very interesting and intriguing race. I was so caught up in the whole race business I almost forgot to give the “Final Lap” signal a few times. Fortunately I did remember and no harm was done. Here are the final rankings: Yoshi pulled out in 1st place. Mario came in with 2nd place. Bowser came through with 3rd place. A few banana peels caused Peach to fall back to 4th. Starting off poorly and making a slight comeback, DK took 5th overall. Despite his best efforts Luigi found himself in 6th. Toad make a good effort, but sadly ended up in 7th. Sitting last in 8th place was Wario.

Categories: News
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RE: Ness, the reason you fail…

Posted by Mario On February - 15 - 2008 Comments Off

Link… Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link… Link, my dear friend… You are much too hard on the boy. There are many good points to the Earthbound series. For starters, playing as a little kid isn’t that bad now and again. I seem to recall a certain someone who spent much of his most recent hit running around collecting bugs. Doesn’t that sound like something a child should be doing? And yes, it may be true that your dad you never see anymore keeps calling you and telling you to stop playing, but he makes up for it by depositing bundles of borrowed cash into your bank account! And who said calling you was a bad thing anyway? And Giygas? That’s the best villain name I’ve ever heard! A lot better than “Bowser”. I mean what is he, a dog? “Heeeere, Bowser! Come get the stick!” Seriously. Of course,  [ Read More ]

Categories: Opinion
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N64 Top 5

Posted by CrankyKong On February - 12 - 2008 1 Comment

Well, I’d have had my suspicions if you told me this eight years ago, but I’d probably have believed you anyway: I’m actually MORE disgusted with the games they’re putting out now than the ones they came up with back then. Bright colors, smooth graphics, streaming media that plays orchestrated music, in-depth stories—it all just looks so unnecessary to me. I’ll never be swayed from my opinion that the older the game, the better it is (except of course that Donkey Kong is probably the best one of all time). Space Invaders and Jetpac are old favorites, and Sabre Wulf is about as high tech as this old monkey cares to get. However, even I have to admit that some of the old N64 games were better than this new generation that uses controls no scientist could figure out. I’m going to name what I believe are the best five  [ Read More ]

Categories: Opinion
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REVERSE!!

Posted by Lakitu On February - 9 - 2008 Comments Off

STOP IT!! Hey, STOP!! Hello!? Are you listening to me?? YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG DIRECTION!!! What is with you people today!?!?! No one is ever going to win this race if one of you doesn’t turn around!! You’ve been at this for 30 minutes now!!! I don’t know if you haven noticed, but this is really pointless! This is never going to end!!! Someone just please turn around! *sigh* Why doesn’t anyone listen to me!?!?!? Fine, you know what? If you want to play this same race for the rest of your life, traveling in a very small blue and red oval for years, that’s your own call. But I’m leaving! Yeah, you heard me. I’m out of here. You can keep track of your own laps, because I certainly have better things to do with my time. So take that!

Categories: Complaint
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Ness, the reason you fail…

Posted by Link On February - 4 - 2008 Comments Off

Ness, I think the reason you have completely failed as a franchise has several reasons. First, you are like, 8 years old. No one want’s to play as an 8 year old kid when they could play as a dashing and handsome young adult with a sword and a horse. I mean, how can you pass up someone as good looking as me? But I think more importantly than that, your plotline is so stereotypical it can’t get much lamer. “When the chosen boy reaches the point, he will find the light. The passing of time will shatter the nightmare rock and will reveal thee path of light.” Whoop-de-do. You are the chosen one. If you’re not one of the first people to the table with this idea, you’re seen as passe. I managed to get in before the door shut, but banging your head against the door won’t open  [ Read More ]

Categories: Opinion