Blogging While Paused

where video game characters speak out

Posted by Ness On April - 20 - 2011 Comments Off

All right, so there are these things called hacks out there, all right? They change how a game works. See, the problem with that doesn’t really come into play for you gamers. Sure, it might mess up your game a bit, crash the console, whatever, but think of us for once, okay? Next time you want to change how I look so you can play as someone who looks a bit like Jeff, don’t, all right? His glasses are so thick that they stop bullets in mid-flight. My eyes hurt for hours afterwards.

I mean, sure, if you want different music options and the like, fine, be my guest. We need more music. But for the love of all things holy, stop messing with us characters. We work our butts off daily to give you gamers a good time, usually by beating each other up. We’d really appreciate you making sure that we can wake up the next morning without a new face and inhumanly long, spindly legs. It took Dr. Mario a half hour to get Pikachu to recover from a heart attack when someone implemented the Pikaman hack the first time.

And Peach, Samus, and Zelda? They work ten times as much because they’re the only girls in the roster. Every fanboy that wants his fictional crush in Brawl is going to use one of them, with a few exceptions.

I’d give a few examples of the ‘exceptions’, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy by Ganondorf and Wolf. They don’t like me talking about that stuff, for some reason. I mean, they shouldn’t, it was against their will! They could milk this for publicity! Except they’re just sooo preoccupied with the ‘tough guy’ look. I mean, geez, dressing up like Colette Brunel isn’t all that bad, Ganon! You could have had to do Sheena like Wol-

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I’ve just fought off a feral Wolf here… and I’m typing this with one hand. I’m going to see if Dr. Mario can regenerate arms. Toodle-oo.


Categories: Complaint

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