Blogging While Paused where video game characters speak out Mon, 13 Aug 2012 03:04:40 +0000 en-US hourly 1 One minor thing Mon, 29 Aug 2011 03:03:45 +0000 Master_Chief You know, few people truly understand me. It may be from the fact that I don’t speak, let alone explain my reasonings. Do you think I enjoy headshotting grunts for hours a day using a high caliber sniper rifle? Don’t get me wrong, I do. Most of the time. Sometimes, I come home with a sore shoulder or blown ear drums or yet another set of plasma burns. Trust me, that gets old really quick. Then, of course there’s the occasional misfired rocket. You try sleeping with the feeling of falling at terminal velocity and you might know how I feel. So, next time you slide Halo 3 in and pick up a controller, try to consider I might want to have a day to myself.

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Not a great idea Wed, 25 May 2011 20:00:06 +0000 KingDedede   [ Read More ]]]> All right, I’m willing to admit it. Let’s chalk the “Gourmet Race” up as one of my worst ideas ever.

I thought I had everything set up nicely. I figured that my opponent would be distracted by all the food in such obscure places. That would give me a chance to run the straightest path to the goal and grab the moderate amount of stuff that was along the way. I made sure that winning the actual race was worth a lot more than just the food. The thing is, though, for a blob that does nothing but eat and float, Kirby is… a lot faster than you would think. He ate EVERYTHING! AND he won!

Look at what it’s done to me! I’m burning a lot of energy out there with no food to make up for it! I must have lost at least 15 pounds since we started. Or maybe it was 50… For a heavy weight fighter like me, I need that weight to throw around! Bowser’s laughing at me somewhere, I just know it.

I need to go back and re-think this. There are some serious adjustments that need to be made. Maybe I should add some secret food-heavy tunnels that you can’t get into without a hammer… Would that be enough to tip things in my favor?

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Not a great idea Wed, 18 May 2011 20:00:28 +0000 Kirby   [ Read More ]]]> Okay… So a Gourmet Race sounded like a good idea at first, but it turns out there’s some problems you wouldn’t think of until you try it…

I love the idea of it–you run around and eat as much as you can in a competition. Should be great, right? Well, sometimes you have to eat things so quickly you don’t even get a chance to taste them. And considering how fast I like to eat, that’s saying something!

The other problem is that once I eat, I usually like to take a second to… you know, enjoy it? Savor the taste, let it start to digest, stuff like that… You don’t get a chance to do that while you’re racing. Even when you finish, you usually have to go straight to the next race before you get a chance to rest. After the last one, I got sick for the first time in, well, ever! (I think…) All that good food gone to waste…

I didn’t even want it to be a race in the first place. That just sort of happened when I got there. I was looking forward to a leisurely stroll through a buffet, not a crazy anything-goes foot-race… Can we make it a walking race next time? Please?

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Being a Villain isn’t easy. Wed, 11 May 2011 20:00:06 +0000 Ganondorf   [ Read More ]]]> It may seem simple enough. You invade a country, capture a princess, things like that. But the things that you go through behind the scenes are hard.

Running Hyrule while some kid in a green tunic is ruining your plans is not simple. Especially when you go through all the trouble of releasing those things.

Have you ever tried to revive an ancient fire dragon while at the same time trying to organize your minions? Or release a monster amoeba to freeze a race of people under a block of ice?

It isn’t easy. And when the hero comes and destroys all the work you’ve done, it’s aggravating. There are a lot of times where I wish I could have just gone out to find Link before he had what it took to defeat me. But I was always busy with other things. If it wasn’t letting yet another monster out, it was making sure all of my minions were in the right place.

And there’s another thing. Building the dungeons. It’s costly. If not by money, by your resources. If I had my way, Link would have to go through a hundred dungeons before even thinking about being able to fight me.

You’d think that having taken over the land, you wouldn’t have to worry about how much money you’re using. But the workers refuse to give me anything without mind numbing prices! And I can’t just kill them because I can’t get all those resources myself!

And then building the places takes even more time! And once the hero gets in there, he starts destroying walls, killing all the minions I assigned to the place, and defeating the monster I had set free there! And don’t even get me started on my castle. Almost every time, I have to build it from scratch. And I have to make sure it’s menacing, but at the same time, elegant. It costs a lot to get so much red carpet to place on the stairs.

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It pays to be a fairy Wed, 04 May 2011 20:00:13 +0000 Navi   [ Read More ]]]> When you first look at me, you don’t see much, do you? I don’t look like a threat to anyone, and even when I’ve tried to be intimidating and get right in someone’s face, I’ve heard them say it was just like having a bug in their face once my back was turned. (That sort of talk hurts, by the way. Knock it off.)

I don’t need to be big or threatening to be useful, though. You non-smalls out there probably never even think about the sorts of things I can do every day. Sure, I’m pretty good about helping you keep an eye on swift creatures that would hurt you, and I can tell you everything you want to know about them (and lots of stuff you didn’t even know you wanted to know, too!), but I can do a lot more than that. See, think like a spy. I can fit effortlessly into places where most people don’t even realize there are places. I can navigate through an airway or behind some old bookshelves, look around, get a feel for the area, listen in on a conversation, and report back before anyone even realizes I was there!

On that note, you’d be surprised just how invisible I can be. I can float around a corner and watch and listen, and nobody ever pays attention to me! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve peeked around a corner, saw a bunch of monsters suddenly turn in my direction and start coming, and warn the person I’m with! I mean, that always happens JUST in time! It’s even funnier when I fly right in between people who are having a conversation, and they don’t even seem to notice I’m there. You wouldn’t think they could miss a floating ball of light with wings, but for whatever reason, they ignore me completely!

Which brings me to another useful thing I can do! Stuck in a dark place? Not a problem if you’ve got me by your side, because I make my own light! The only fuel I need is my food, and that’s something most non-fairy folks can’t even see. (It’s tricky to describe it–it’s sort of like snow that hangs in the air and can be found in patches here and there… and it exists pretty much everywhere you go, so you can take me anywhere and I’ll be fine!) Every once in a while, I see a dark room with a twisted pathway that’s supposed to trick people into falling because they can’t see where they’re going. This is such an easy one for me. All I have to do is fly around, figure out where the path is, and lead my partner along it.

There is one other nice thing about being small and quick… It sometimes happens that someone or something tries to attack me. They never even come close.

Now, there’s just one thing I need to work on… Every now and then while I’m spying on people, I have a tendency to shout something out and give away my location… Still struggling with that one.

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Challenger Approaching: New Console Wed, 27 Apr 2011 20:00:58 +0000 Luigi   [ Read More ]]]> Those executives and their secrets… It’s getting so it’s hard to leak anything to the public anymore. Well, your speculation is as good as mine at this point, but we know for certain that Nintendo is releasing a new console soon.

To whom it may concern:
Re: Wii’s successor system
Nintendo Co., Ltd. has decided to launch in 2012 a system to succeed Wii, which the company has sold 86.01 million units on a consolidated shipment basis between its launch in 2006 and the end of March 2011.
We will show a playable model of the new system and announce more specifications at the E3 Expo, which will be held June 7-9, 2011, in Los Angeles.
Sales of this new system have not been included in the financial forecasts announced today for the fiscal term ending March 2012.

There’s lots of rumors flying around about this “Project Café”, so allow me to clarify a little bit of what we know for sure that we know (or at least we think we do).

The controller will have a six-inch touch screen. We don’t know exactly what the final model will look like, but it’s thought to look something like this. That screen should be usable for streaming games right into it, so there’s some potential there.

It will still be compatible with Gamecube and Wii games. No word on transferring data from the old Wii, so don’t go trading it in just yet.

It should be a more powerful machine. They’re saying something along the lines of PS3 kind of power.

Most interestingly, they say they intend to appeal to “hardcore gamers”. Now nobody is sure if that means people who want a powerful system with super-sweet graphics, or if it means people who want longer, tougher games. Either way, though, they’re breaking away from the casual market. When you think about it, they don’t really have a choice.  I’ve talk to a few folks I know from Toad Town about this. As long as they’re not having problems, they’ve got no reason to trade in their Wiis for something new. The hardcore crowd is the only group that will be after this, so yeah, we kinda need to cater to them for a bit.

I’ll be excited to see what direction this goes, but they’re still not telling me anything, so we’ll just have to wait and see what unfolds.Идея за подарък

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Why We Hate Hacks Wed, 20 Apr 2011 20:00:47 +0000 Ness   [ Read More ]]]> All right, so there are these things called hacks out there, all right? They change how a game works. See, the problem with that doesn’t really come into play for you gamers. Sure, it might mess up your game a bit, crash the console, whatever, but think of us for once, okay? Next time you want to change how I look so you can play as someone who looks a bit like Jeff, don’t, all right? His glasses are so thick that they stop bullets in mid-flight. My eyes hurt for hours afterwards.

I mean, sure, if you want different music options and the like, fine, be my guest. We need more music. But for the love of all things holy, stop messing with us characters. We work our butts off daily to give you gamers a good time, usually by beating each other up. We’d really appreciate you making sure that we can wake up the next morning without a new face and inhumanly long, spindly legs. It took Dr. Mario a half hour to get Pikachu to recover from a heart attack when someone implemented the Pikaman hack the first time.

And Peach, Samus, and Zelda? They work ten times as much because they’re the only girls in the roster. Every fanboy that wants his fictional crush in Brawl is going to use one of them, with a few exceptions.

I’d give a few examples of the ‘exceptions’, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy by Ganondorf and Wolf. They don’t like me talking about that stuff, for some reason. I mean, they shouldn’t, it was against their will! They could milk this for publicity! Except they’re just sooo preoccupied with the ‘tough guy’ look. I mean, geez, dressing up like Colette Brunel isn’t all that bad, Ganon! You could have had to do Sheena like Wol-

hfnagfia;oehg;aeohi’fewaoh ioag’aw

I’ve just fought off a feral Wolf here… and I’m typing this with one hand. I’m going to see if Dr. Mario can regenerate arms. Toodle-oo.


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Stop healing you vain monster! Wed, 13 Apr 2011 20:00:22 +0000 Cloud   [ Read More ]]]> “Don’t go fight Sephiroth.” “You’re not ready to fight Sephiroth.” “Sephiroth is sooo hard to beat.”

So I don’t always listen to you, fine, but you know what? I want to make my own mistakes. And you know what? I have. I’ve made a lot. That’s right, a lot, how many of your friends did you have killed today?

I thought so. Now shut up and listen.

I will tell you right now, Sephiroth is not scary, not difficult, and definitely not a threat to humanity. This monster couldn’t attack a stone statue. (trust me, I know. Tifa has been petrified for half an hour, the useless… … Anyway.)

Sephiroth is a vain minded, beauty motivated, egotistical, brain dead, pansy. I’ve been fighting him for an hour and let’s take a look at his last 10 moves: heal, heal, heal, attack (for 800 damage), heal, heal, heal, heal, heal, and heal. Thats right. In the past 10 minutes he has attacked me for 800 damage and healed himself for over 60,000 health points.

Tifa is frozen and I think Yuffie is taking a nap. (Insert eye-roll here.) Barret, Vincent, and I are actually doing pretty well together as a team. That said, for every 5000 damage we do, Sephiroth heals for 6500+. This guy is harmless. I say we leave him in this crater and go enjoy the rest of our lives on a nice beach. Goodness knows we’ve collected enough gil by now.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to release Bahamut on Tifa and then get out of here.

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Castle Maintenance Wed, 06 Apr 2011 20:00:49 +0000 Mario   [ Read More ]]]> Well, if you saw the princess’s castle from the outside, you’d think it was a sturdy, well-built, artistic piece of architecture made to last for ages, right? It looks pretty nice from the inside, too. They really went all-out with the stained glass windows, plush carpets, ceiling-hangings, fancy mirrors, and all those portraits. So… I ask you… Why didn’t they spring for a decent set of bricks?!

I know they don’t look that bad. They keep them nice and white-washed and everything. Still, just underneath that shiny exterior, the sturdiness is a joke. It’s better in some places than in others, but it needs constant repairs just to stay standing! Who do you think is responsible for those repairs? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not a Hammer Bro.

When I’m at home, I usually shudder when it starts raining. I just have to hope nothing comes apart before I get a chance to fix things up. We’ve had more walls fall apart because of rain than we’ve had attempted break-ins. Repair’s not an easy job, either. I sometimes have to glue broken pieces back together, then wedge them back into place. There have been times when I’ve tried to seal things up only to find out that there was no cement holding that section together in the first place! I don’t know what contractor we called to build the castle in the first place, but he seriously got paid too much.

You might think this is the sort of thing I’m not supposed to talk about publicly, but it’s no secret. The Mushroom Kingdom castle is the joke of the royalty in the surrounding areas. I remember once there was a large gathering where–for no apparent reason–the entire North wall fell apart like a bunch of Legos. Everyone just stopped talking and watched it. And you’d think the birds outside were just waiting for it to happen, because they were awfully quick to swoop in and help themselves to the refreshments.

I’m no fan of lousy masonry, but if there’s one good thing that comes from it, it’s this: all the money they don’t spend to buy better bricks goes straight to me.

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How Could Capcom do this to Me? Wed, 30 Mar 2011 20:00:36 +0000 MegaMan   [ Read More ]]]> This is an outrage! I thought I was doing well in Megaman 9 and 10. I thought I had impressed them in Marvel vs. Capcom 2 with my special attacks. But no, I’m ended up being excluded from Marvel vs. Capcom 3.

I mean, it wasn’t bad in Tatsu-whatever vs. Capcom, one of my advanced forms appeared in it as a playable fighter, alongside Zero. But in Marvel vs. Capcom 3, I was never featured! This is the first time they excluded the series’ main hero in their entire history.

I understand why Tron had to stay, but why does ZERO get to stay? He’s not Mega Man! Just because his colors can be changed to Mega Man X’s doesn’t make him the hero of the entire series.

You know another mistake Capcom made? I’m replaced, but they let a zombie and a zombie killer fight? Chris may be good defeating zombies, but his weapons are barely a match against the others. Seriously, he’ll be squashed by the Hulk’s gigantic hands after 1 second after the battle started.


If they make one more mistake like that, I hope Nintendo will let me move to their side and hopefully appear in the next Smash Bros.

(Why do I bother posting this? Most of the writers don’t even know about the Marvel vs. Capcom series…)

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